


Bilbo Does Not Need Sex Advice  (Especially Not From Officer Oblivious and Captain Clueless)

by Amuly



Category: The Hobbit (2012)
Genre: Bad Sex, Blow Jobs, Brother Feels, Brothers, Humor, M/M, Mischief, Nipple Play, Rimming, Roughhousing, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-05
Updated: 2013-02-05
Packaged: 2017-11-28 06:57:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/671570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amuly/pseuds/Amuly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fili and Kili get it into their heads that if Bilbo is to be bedding their uncle, then it is up to them to make sure Uncle Thorin is having the best sex possible. And of course, Bilbo the meek little hobbit from the Shire can't even begin to compare to the absolutely expert sexual knowledge of the much more worldly dwarf brothers. Right?</p><p>AKA: Fili and Kili give Bilbo increasingly bad sex advice that he really doesn't need. Honestly. Please stop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bilbo Does Not Need Sex Advice  (Especially Not From Officer Oblivious and Captain Clueless)

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: There is some serious gross-out factor going on in this fic, and some very bad!sex happening off-camera. No one gets seriously hurt, there's no real TRAUMA, and it's all definitely played for laughs, but within the course of this fic are chaffed nipples, a sore throat, and pink eye. Also some discussions of feces and such. No scat play, no serious edgeplay or anything like that. Just some clueless dwarves trying to figure out what would happen if you inserted body part x in slot y.

“Do you think we should?”

“Of course we should.”

“But we don't even know how it works.”

Fili smacked his errant little brother upside his head. “We know how _our_ penises work. And what to do with women. It can't be that different to just eliminate the women and... put...”

Fili paused, considering. Next to him, Kili's expression was screwed up the way it got only when he was in very, very deep thought. It looked like he was trying to take a truly difficult shit.

“You can... rub them...” Kili tried.

Drawing his brows low above his eyes, Fili considered the hobbit and his uncle before him. They were sitting close on a log, eating dinner together as they had these many days since the orc attack and the spectacular rescue by Gandalf's eagles. Fili was sure they were bedding by now, though were discreet with each other. He just wasn't quite sure _how_. And if he and his brother—master lovers, no mistake—were unable to figure out how to bed another man, surely the meek hobbit Bilbo wouldn't have a clue. This led to only one conclusion, in the brothers' minds: poor Uncle Thorin was having to tolerate some very boring, very poor sex.

A thought sprung into Fili's mind, fully formed. “Mouths!”

Kili turned to his brother, face smoothing out if its consternation. “Mouths!” he said back.

The brothers knocked their heads into each other, hard. What fools they had been!

Fili rubbed his hands together as he settled back down to watch Bilbo lean oh-so-sweetly into Uncle Thorin. “So. We tell him he should put his mouth on Uncle Thorin's manhood. And we tell him the things we like: no teeth, light suction, lots of tongue.” Kili was nodding readily.

“Balls, too!” he added.

“Balls, too,” Fili agreed. “Are there other things we should tell him to do with his mouth?”

Kili shrugged. “Do you think Uncle likes his nipples sucked?”

Fili considered this. He wasn't a fan, but Kili was. He shook his hand back and forth. “Fifty-fifty chance. We could tell Bilbo to try?”

Kili's face shuttered as he thought some more about this, oh-so-seriously.

“Have you ever had your arsehole licked?”

Fili could feel his face contort as his stomach roiled at the suggestion. “Your _arsehole_?”

Kili shrugged. “You've had your mouth on a woman.”

“But not her _arse_! Kili, _shit_ comes out of there!”

Kili face fell for a moment before it twisted in anger. Fili sighed. He had been mean. And little brother always got angry when he was hurt.

“Sorry,” Fili said quickly. He placed a placating hand on Kili's arm, squeezing tight. “Sorry. It's just... _I_ would never do such a thing.”

Kili squirmed and looked down. “I've heard it's done.”

Fili nodded sagely. He wasn't sure if that meant Kili had done it, or had it done to him, or just that he was still sore over Fili insulting his idea, but either way he had to soothe Kili's ego. Such was the lot of big brothers.

“It's a fine idea,” he said. “One I wouldn't have thought. We'll add that to the list. Using his mouth on Uncle's manhood, his nipples, and his... arsehole.”

Kili brightened considerably at this. Fili's stomach flipped again as he picture the sweet little hobbit doing such a thing. Was it safe? Possibly. It was likely Bilbo wouldn't even do it, even if they did suggest it. At least, Fili sure hoped so.

“What else?” he prompted.

Over by the campfire, Thorin was rising from his place and collecting Bilbo's dish. Fili's sense of hierarchy balked at the little gesture, but judging from the besotted gazes passing between Uncle and Bilbo—visible clearly even at the distance they were—both parties seemed unbothered by a king tending to a burglar.

“Well... If we're using arsehole's like a woman's sex...”

Fili looked as his brother. And looked. And looked.

Kili burst out laughing and buried his face in Fili's chest. Fili held out a half second longer from him before he was laughing too, forehead pressed to Kili's shoulder and shaking with the force of his mirth.

“No!” Fili choked out. “No! It couldn't possibly _fit_ in there! You are _never_ suggesting that to poor Bilbo! He'd try, and we'd be down a burglar before we even reached Erebor.”

“What are you boys up to?”

Fili and Kili separated themselves, looking up at Balin's long unbraided beard bobbing above them.

“Alright there, Balin?” Fili asked.

Balin narrowed his eyes, looking first at Fili, then Kili, then swinging his gaze back to settle on the former. Fili sighed. He was always the one all the responsibility was heaped upon.

“Go take watch,” Balin ordered.

The brothers scrambled over each other to their feet, catching cloak and boot and sword and strap over each other. Finally they were off, hurrying away from the fire. “We'll start on Bilbo tomorrow,” Fili whispered as they rushed past Balin. “Telling him to use his mouth. We'll think of some more things, too, if those don't work.”

 

* * *

 

“Bilbo!”

Fili threw himself down next to Bilbo on the log the hobbit was sitting on. Bilbo jumped, hands wrapped tightly around his dinner bowl as he stared at Fili warily.

As soon as Bilbo's attention was elsewhere, Kili dropped down on Bilbo's other side, startling him into almost dropping his dinner bowl.

“Bilbo!”

Bilbo's neck twisted, back and forth between the two brothers. His fingers tightened on the bowl more securely.

“Can I... Can I help you with something?” Bilbo addressed the question to Fili, though he kept turning his head back to Kili as though he supposed he might jump out at Bilbo while his back was turned.

The brothers had discussed how they wanted to go about talking to Bilbo about this. Nice and easy, Fili had insisted. Lead Bilbo into the topic gently. Otherwise he might scare right off.

Fili went first. “It's an important job, you know.”

Kili nodded, face very serious, eyes not at all laughing. “A job of the highest honor.”

“You must dive into the task with all due enthusiasm.”

“And skill.”

“And variety.”

Bilbo's head bounced between the two brothers so rapidly he had to stop and set his bowl down, steadying himself for a moment.

“What-”

“Consort to the king,” Fili cut him off.

Kili slapped Bilbo's back firmly, tugging him in close with his shoulder. “And our king expects highly from you, Mister Bilbo.”

Fili grabbed onto Bilbo's other shoulder, tugging him away from Kili and into his own chest. “It's hard to live up to without a little help.”

“No no no no no.” Bilbo leapt up from the log the three of them were seated on, hands waving wildly in front of him. Fili and Kili glanced between each other, confused.

Bilbo stomped his foot and pointed one finger at the ground. Fili cocked his head. It looked like Bilbo was trying to be _firm_ with them. “I am _not..._ I'm flattered, but. No. I cannot- I won't- It's not how it's done in the Shire.”

With one more glance between them, the two brothers hopped up simultaneously and wrapped their arms around Bilbo, gently but firmly making sure he didn't get away. Fili wasn't sure exactly what Bilbo had gotten into his head, but it sounded silly. What wasn't done in the Shire? Surely they had sex. Perhaps Bilbo was looking for a marriage before he laid with Thorin? But that didn't make sense: for one, they were already sleeping together, the whole camp knew that; for another, Bilbo was male. Males didn't marry males. What would be the point? No offspring could come of their union. That's what positions like consort were for, after all.

Gently Fili and Kili guided Bilbo back to the log, ignoring the way he squirmed and twisted between them. They all sat down in a heap, Fili and Kili refusing to let go of Bilbo just yet.

“We're just trying to help you keep Uncle satisfied,” Fili tried to reassure Bilbo.

“I'm not... I'm not sleeping with you lot and Thorin. Sister-sons don't sleep with their uncles, and I won't...”

Oh. _Oh_. Sleeping with... Right. Fili laughed as his brain connected the dots as to what exactly Bilbo thought they were proposing.

“We didn't mean to join you and Uncle,” Fili replied. “Just... give you advice. Some things you might do with him.”

On the other side of Bilbo, Kili gasped, then snorted. “Augh, disgusting! I'm not sleeping with Uncle! No, Bilbo, no. We just want to tell you about some things you could do with him!”

Fili looked at his little brother. Kili was beaming at having figured out what Bilbo was getting at.

Fili took a breath and reminded himself that Kili wasn't forty anymore, and so he couldn't get away with smacking him upside the back of the head without expect a full-on tussle to ensue. Unfortunately.

The short little Bilbo seemed to be doing his best to muster up some dignity: shrugging off the brothers' hands, straightening out his waistcoat, tugging at his sleeves.

“And what makes you think I need your advice on the matter?”

Fili and Kili laughed uproariously at that. It was a good one, Fili had to give the hobbit that.

But then Bilbo just looked at them, face quite serious, and Fili was beginning to think maybe he wasn't joking?

Hesitantly, Fili chuckled. “Well. I mean. It's Uncle.”

“And you're just... Bilbo. Of the Shire,” Kili chimed in.

“I'll have you know-” Bilbo started. Then he stopped, his face turned the most interesting shade of red, and he stayed stopped.

Now was the time for diplomacy. Fili prided himself on being one of the more intellectual dwarves—not in a bookish sense like Ori, but in a battle strategy sense—and he figured he should employ some tact at this moment. Call it a sixth sense.

“Might we just offer you some... suggestions?” Fili ventured. Quickly he looked over Bilbo's head and stared down Kili until his less quick-minded little brother gathered their new strategy.

“Just some ideas,” Kili piped up. “Maybe you've done them.”

Fili shrugged. “Maybe you haven't.”

“Can't hurt to try.”

Bilbo glanced between the brothers, face still that oddly bright shade of red. Quick and sharp, he nodded.

“Start easy.” Fili rushed to speak up before Kili did. “Use your mouth on his nipples.”

Bilbo blinked, big hobbit eyes filled with trepidation. “His...”

“Aye. Kili likes it, figure it's worth giving a try on Uncle. If he doesn't like it, he'll surely say.”

Fili hadn't quite realized how those words would come back to bite him when he spoke, Bilbo listening carefully to the brothers by the fireside.

 

* * *

 

“What do you reckon's wrong with him?”

Fili shook his head as he stared after their uncle Thorin. He was moving... oddly, today. Fili only hoped he hadn't re-injured some old war injury. As he swung himself up onto his horse he even went so far as to _wince_. The brothers shared a confused look. That couldn't be good. Their uncle didn't _wince_.

Just as they were about to head over to him by mutual silent agreement when Bilbo got there first. He stopped at Thorin's side, head craned back to look up at Thorin at his lofty position on his mount. The look on Bilbo's face was guilty, or apologetic, and maybe a lot of chagrined, as well. Fili stuck his hand out to Kili and waved it vaguely, silently communicating to his brother that they should stay back and observe. For now.

Kili clicked his tongue next to Fili, drawing his attention away from the pair of men at the front of the company. He waited as Kili nodded his head and jiggled at his reigns slightly. Fili understood what Kili was saying: they should see if they could nudge their mounts closer and maybe overhear a snippet of what went so wrong as to injure their stolid uncle. Fili nodded back, but pointed at himself and tilted his head in the direction of the pair. He would go first. Kili rolled his eyes but nodded back.

Slowly, subtly, Fili approached Thorin and Bilbo. They were conversing quietly, but with the difference in height between Bilbo on the ground and Thorin on his mount, they were forced to speak just loud enough to be overhead, if someone was trying hard enough. And Fili and Kili were definitely trying hard enough.

“It's fine,” Thorin was saying.

Bilbo was wringing has hands nervously, his expression horribly contrite.

“I'm so sorry. I thought you might-”

Thorin grunted. “It's fine. Just don't do it again.”

“And what are you young masters doing?”

Fili nearly fell off his horse. Turning in his seat, he could see Kili was just as startled. Behind them was Balin, staring at them with a twinkle in his eye but a serious set to his jaw.

“Just waiting on Uncle,” Fili replied. He held his hand subtly out to Kili, begging him not to say a word.

Kili just nodded and smiled a bright smile that wasn't the least bit convincing of their lack of mischief-making.

Balin nodded slowly, then waved a steady hand over his shoulder. “Why don't you boys get back to the rest of the company, and I'll check on your uncle Thorin.”

They could hardly disagree, so Fili and Kili reluctantly turned their mounts around and headed away from the two men, still quietly conversing behind them.

Once they were a safe distance away Kili threw his hand out to Fili and slapped him on the shoulder. “That didn't work!”

“I hadn't noticed,” Fili bit back.

“Bilbo probably just did it wrong.”

“How do you even do that wrong?” Fili wondered.

“Probably sucked to hard. For too long. Could have chaffed them, that way. Or bit at him-”

“ _Or_ Uncle just doesn't like it. Not everyone is a whimpering girl like you between the sheets.”

Fili got a too-hard punch to the shoulder for that, which he deserved. Still, he reached out and smacked Kili upside the back of his head as hard as he could. Kili lashed out with one leg, and Fili with another, and in under a minute they were both flat on their backs on the ground, trying desperately to suck the wind back into their chests.

“We try again,” Fili panted as he gained his breath back.

Kili wheezed. Fili thought it sounded like a wheeze of agreement.

“We try again tonight. Mouth on his manhood.”

Kili wheezed again.

From above them, Dawlin grunted disdainfully at them.

“Get up you lot. You're wasting daylight.”

With a mutual groan the brothers reached for each other, dragging themselves up by using the other as leverage. So the first attempt at making sure their uncle was satisfied had gone awry. If Bilbo was taught to use his mouth on their uncle, then surely things would be better. They just had to give him some expert advice.

 

* * *

 

“On his...”

“Yes.”

Kili was silent next to Fili, per his instructions, watching as Fili tried to explain the finer points of pleasuring their uncle with his mouth.

“Are you sure it's... sanitary?”

Fili sighed, growing impatient with Bilbo. It wasn't that hard of a concept to understand, but apparently it wasn't common to hobbits? Which was absolutely preposterous, but Fili supposed different races had different customs. No matter how stupid they might be.

“Perfectly sanitary. It's done all the time. You just put it in your mouth. Like a hard sweet. And suck on it. Like a hard sweet.”

Bilbo's expression was faintly horrified. Fili sighed.

“Not too hard!” Kili piped up.

That was probably wise of Kili to mention, so Fili didn't chastise him for breaking his silence.

“Yes,” he agreed. He caught Bilbo's eye and looked very sternly at him. “Not too hard. That's no fun. Apply a light suction, swirl your tongue around it a lot. And _cover your teeth_.”

“Cover them?” Bilbo's eyes went crossed and he looked down, as if trying to see his own mouth. “Like...” He placed his hand over his mouth, index finger covering his top row of teeth.

Fili sighed, hanging his head. On Bilbo's other side, Kili barked out a laugh. He tapped Bilbo's leg, turning his attention his way.

“Like this.” Kili demonstrated, rolling his lips over his teeth.

Bilbo observed this with all due seriousness.

“And... And that's it? Just. Put it in my mouth. And wriggle my tongue around on it?”

Fili wrinkled his nose. Well when he put it like _that_ , it sounded so... unarousing.

“Move your head up and down on it,” Fili instructed. “As if your mouth was the warm heat of a woman's sex.”

Bilbo nodded, taking in this information. His eyes drifted upwards as he considered.

“And keep your hand wrapped tight around the base. You probably won't be able to fit all of Uncle in your mouth at once,” Kili pointed out.

Bilbo blinked, flushed, and blinked again. “No, or. Uh. Well. Yes. No. That's- Right then. Or rather- Is that all?”

Fili pressed his lips tight together and furrowed his brow to keep from laughing. Bilbo was surely hopeless, before they got to him. It was a good thing they did, otherwise Uncle would spend the trip horribly unsatisfied with his dainty little hobbit companion hardly warming his bed.

“Testicles.”

“ _Testicles_?” Bilbo's voice was high-pitched as he stared wide-eyed at Kili. Fili glared at his brother. This was probably too much information for poor Bilbo to take in at once. But now that the topic had been brought up...

“You can put those in your mouth as well,” Fili assured him. “Roll them around with one hand as you pleasure his manhood with your mouth. Or put the testicles into your mouth and stroke at his manhood. Alternating between the two is most pleasurable.”

“ _Testicles_?” Bilbo asked again. His voice was only barely lower in pitch.

Fili caught his brother's eye as Kili looked a little concerned. Fili wasn't sure over what until Kili turned to Bilbo and asked: “Hobbits _are_ in the possession of testicles, aren't you?”

Fili blinked. Oh. He hadn't thought of that. But it made a sort of sense: hobbit men were so smooth and little (with the exception of their wonderfully sturdy feet), that they almost resembled that of a castrated bull or dog. Perhaps they were all without testicles, or had them removed at a certain age.

“Yes!” Bilbo squeaked out, not really giving any credence to the idea that he had testicles. “Yes, I am... We are... _Yes_!”

Fili and Kili shrugged in unison. “Alright then,” Kili said. “Just making sure.”

“Is that quite all?” Bilbo asked. He obviously wanted to storm away in an indignant huff, but was too polite to do so. Hobbits were funny folk, Fili was fast discovering.

Fili and Kili exchanged a look. They thought, shared mental lists with some silent eyebrow lifts and eyelid flutters and mouth twitches. Fili nodded at the end of it all.

“Yes, that should about do it. Feel free to come to us tomorrow if you need any more advice!”

“I think I'll be quite alright without any more of that,” Bilbo mumbled, probably meant to be mostly to himself. Fili and Kili just stifled even more giggles as Bilbo stood, dusted himself daintily off, and hurried away to the other side of the camp where Thorin was seated.

Floating high on a feeling of smug satisfaction, Fili and Kili knocked heads, hard.

“We are the best nephews ever,” Kili commented.

Fili couldn't help but agree.

 

* * *

 

The next day, Fili and Kili subtly watched Uncle Thorin and Bilbo break camp. This time, Thorin seemed fine: no wincing or stiff movements. Though there was something off about Bilbo. Fili cocked his head and studied Bilbo closely, brows furrowed in concentration. What could it be? Bilbo wasn't moving too stiffly, though his expression seemed somewhat pained. But where was the discomfort coming from?

Although dwarves weren't known for their patience or tact, Fili watched and waited. And waited. And waited. Bilbo broke down his bedroll just fine, and nodded when Thorin said some quiet words to him, and rode his horse just fine. But Thorin seemed... upset. And was holding himself toward Bilbo, like he was trying to protect him or something. Something was definitely wrong with Bilbo, and Thorin was definitely feeling badly over it. But Fili couldn't figure out _what_.

All day Kili rode next to Fili and pestered him over it, but Fili refused to join him in his incessant speculations.

“Maybe Bilbo was wretched at it.”

“Maybe he bit down.”

“Maybe he took Uncle too deep and regurgitated his dinner all over Uncle's lap.”

“Maybe Uncle doesn't like it.” A pause. “No that's ridiculous every dwarf enjoys that.”

“Maybe Uncle tried to do it back and _Bilbo_ didn't like it.”

“Maybe Bilbo tried but couldn't go through with it.”

By the end of the day, Fili had a headache sharp enough that he wanted to thrust his axe through Kili's skull just so he could share in his pain.

“I'm going over to ask him.”

“No, you fool!” Fili grabbed for his brother, dragging him bodily away from heading to the other side of the camp where Bilbo and Thorin were seated.

“What?” Kili seemed genuinely confused. “I'm just going to-”

“What? Ask in front of _Uncle_?”

Kili smirked. Fili's stomach dropped. That wasn't a good expression on his baby brother. Not good in the least.

“You just watch. I'm going to be _sneaky_.”

Oh. Oh no.

But there was no stopping Kili now that he was set on it, so Fili followed a half step behind and just hoped he'd be able to limit the damage his idiot of a baby brother did.

“Hullo, Bilbo. How are you doing this fine day?”

Fili waited, eyes flickering rapidly between the trifecta of potential terribleness: Bilbo, Thorin, and Kili.

Cautiously Bilbo began to open his mouth, but then Thorin cut him off.

“Just fine.”

Kili waited, grin not faltering in the slightest. After a few seconds of stony silence, Kili turned his gaze back to Bilbo. “You have a good ride today?”

“Perfectly satisfactory.” Again, it was Thorin answering for Bilbo.

An idea began to form in Fili's head. Slowly it blossomed into a full-blown realization. “Kili, we-”

But little brother wasn't listening to him. Of _course_ he wasn't.

“Come along Uncle: let Bilbo speak for himself.”

Before Thorin could cut in yet again—and Fili himself was starting to feel a shivering in his stomach with the level of glare Thorin was leveling at the two of them—Bilbo cleared his throat and spoke up.

“Bit of a sore throat,” he croaked out. He smiled sheepishly. “Resting it. Sure it'll clear up shortly.”

With that, Fili had all the confirmation he needed. In one sure movement he grabbed his brother's arm and started to drag him away.

“Sounds awful, our apologies.” Fili even managed half a bow in his uncle's direction, not wanting to see that horribly reprimanding frown deepen any further. “We'll let you rest that up. Feel better in the morning.”

With that, Fili managed to turn his brother around and hurry him to the other side of camp.

“What?” Kili asked. “I was just about to-”

“His throat's sore, you dolt.”

Kili shook off Fili's arm and stared at him.

“What's that got to do with anything?”

Fili sighed. Sometimes he wondered at the fact that they were related. Honestly, he must have stolen all the smarts from his mother in the womb and left none for his little brother.

“It's from Uncle. Bilbo must have took him too deep in his throat and now it's sore.”

Kili blinked, thought, blinked, and then his expression opened as his jaw dropped. “ _Oh_. Uncle... _Oh_.”

Fili frowned, ignoring his brother's delayed realization as he was already trying to figure out the next stage of their plan.

“What could we possibly advise him to do next?” At this rate their poor uncle would be forced to ride all the way to Erebor entirely unsatisfied.

At that, Kili's face lit up. He beamed at Fili and wiggled his eyebrows.

Fili's heart sunk.

“No. Not that.”

Kili nodded, expression smug.

“It's _got_ to be unsanitary...”

Kili just shook his head.

“If he couldn't successfully put his mouth on Uncle's nipples or manhood, what makes you think...”

Kili grinned. And grinned. And grinned.

Fili groaned and butted his forehead against Kili's shoulder. Repeatedly. This couldn't end well for Bilbo.

 

* * *

 

“No.”

“But-”

“No. Absolutely not. No. I'm sorry, I'm putting my foot down, now. I cannot.”

Fili winced in sympathy. He could understand Bilbo's reluctance to perform such a... _unsanitary_ act. Fili still wasn't entirely convinced he wouldn't get sick from it. And what with Bilbo's track record for making a mess of perfectly safe sex acts, Fili was most definitely uncomfortable with suggesting such a... _daring_ one.

“It's perfectly safe.” Kili, as the one who had suggested the act in the first place, was doing most of the reassuring.

“It cannot be.”

Kili looked quite offended at Bilbo's doubt.

“Come along, Bilbo. Would _I_ really lead you wrong?”

“Don't answer that.” Fili cut Bilbo off just as he opened his mouth to reply almost definitely in the affirmative.

“I'll end up getting sick from it, I just know it.”

Fili glanced at Kili, having a quick silent conversation. He raised an eyebrow in question, and Kili nodded, wide-eyed, back. Fili raised his eyebrows even _more_ firmly, checking to make sure Kili was positive, absolutely _positive_ , that Bilbo wouldn't end up getting horribly sick from the act. Kili opened his eyes wider and a bit more irritably, poking his head toward Bilbo. Fili sighed. That was that, then.

“I've never done it,” Fili admitted to Bilbo. “But Kili reassures me it's certainly safe. And most pleasurable.”

Bilbo looked at Kili, expression dubious. Kili grinned at him.

“Have you done it?”

Kili hesitated, glancing at Fili. He just looked back at his brother, waiting. He never had figured out if Kili had performed such an act before, or even had it done to him.

“Had it done, once or twice,” Kili remarked casually, eyes not leaving his brother's. Fili's eyebrows shot up.

“But have you...” Bilbo prompted.

Kilis gaze dropped down to the dry earth beneath their feet. Fili thought maybe he could make out a faint flush to his brother's cheeks.

He nodded curtly.

Fili did his best to keep his expression neutral, though his stomach was roiling slightly. Very, very carefully he focused his mind on anything _but_ images of his brother doing such a thing, and instead instructed himself to be grateful that both he and Bilbo had proof that such an act could be performed safely.

Fili also was careful to not wonder if Kili had done such a thing with a woman or man. It seemed like something men would do with each other, more so than a man would do with a woman. But what did Fili know: apparently his little brother was far more well-versed in sexual acts than he.

The brothers waited in silence on Bilbo's response, until finally he nodded his head curtly and tugged at his waistcoat. He stood, still nodding and straightening in a somewhat pointless loop. “Right then. I'll... I'll take the... what... _that_... under consideration.”

Kili clapped Bilbo's calf mightily, causing Bilbo to practically fall over with the force of it. “Go forth, Bilbo, and please our uncle most fully!”

Bilbo hurried away, not looking back at the brothers once.

“So-”

“So exhausted!” Kili shouted, jumping up from his seat. Fili watched, amusement dancing in his eyes, as Kili scurried off to his bedroll. He supposed he'd have to wheedle the story of his brother's sexual explorations out of him some other time.

 

* * *

 

Fili and Kili were bent over in identical poses: hands on their thighs, rumps sticking out behind them, faces pulled into frowns as they watched Dori work.

“What is that you're putting on his eye?” Fili asked.

Kili was reaching out to sniff it, but Dori snatched his hand away, keeping the ointment away from Kili's probing fingertips.

“It's a salve,” Dori replied shortly.

“Yes, but-”

“To fight off sickness. Do you plan on needing any yourselves in the future?”

Fili and Kili shared a guilty look.

“No,” they replied as one.

A few more dabs of the salve, and then Dori was straightening. He handed the bottle over to Bilbo. “Three times daily—more if it itches unbearably. Try to keep it down to three, if you can stand it.”

Bilbo nodded, shamefaced, eyes cast down.

With one last suspicious glare at the brothers, Dori left them with Bilbo.

“We're sorry,” Fili spoke up as soon as Dori was out of hearing.

Kili followed quickly after Fili: “Yes. Sorry, Bilbo.”

“We didn't know it could do... this.”

Bilbo stared morosely at the ground and didn't reply.

Fili took the opportunity to study Bilbo's eye more closely. The one that was infected was pink, and swollen, and covered with a terrible goo and crust where the goo had dried out. Dori had insisted that his salve would clear up the eye in a few days, but until then it was apparently itchy and hard to see out of. And incredibly contagious, as Dori had emphasized several times. Which meant that Bilbo would not be sharing Thorin's bedroll until it cleared up. Which means that Thorin would be even more sexually frustrated than before Fili and Kili had started this whole quest.

They were the worst nephews ever.

“Are you sure it's from licking his arse?” Kili asked.

Bilbo's head snapped up at the same time that Fili jabbed his brother hard in the ribs.

“Fairly certain, yes,” Bilbo snapped.

“But wouldn't you get your mouth...”

Fed up with his tactless little brother, Fili grabbed Kili by the ear and tugged him up. Kili squawked indigently and smacked his fists and feet into Fili, but the eldest brother ignored him. “We're really, truly sorry, Bilbo. If there's anything we can do...”

“Just... Let me get some rest,” Bilbo sighed.

Fili nodded and tugged at his brother's earlobe, leading the still squawking dwarf away.

“We're not going to try and help Bilbo again,” Fili ordered.

Kili grumbled and groused and whined from where Fili was still holding onto his ear.

With a vicious shove Fili pushed Kili in the direction of his bedroll. “No more!”

Kili just snorted and went about getting ready for bed.

 

* * *

 

“They're not having sex.”

“No they're not.”

“We need to fix this.”

“ _You're_ the one who said we couldn't help anymore!”

Fili sighed, leaning down onto his mount's long neck. He watched Bilbo follow forlornly three dwarves behind Thorin. His eyes were constantly trained on the dwarf's back, and on occasion he would even wistfully sigh and stare down at his hands. Thorin wasn't much better: avoiding Bilbo entirely when they stopped for the night, not speaking to him for any reason other than giving orders to the group.

No. This couldn't go on.

“What do we have left to suggest to Bilbo?” Fili asked.

Kili considered this carefully. “We went through everything,” he said.

“What about using his hands on Thorin? Rutting against him?”

Kili shook his head, expression skeptical. “They've done that. They've _had_ to have done that: what else would they have been doing together _before_ we started to help?”

Fili sighed. Kili had a good point.

But then that only left one option. Fili turned to Kili, setting his shoulder bravely.

“We're going to tell Bilbo to let Uncle shove his manhood into his arse.”

Kili knocked his head into Fili's.

This would work. It _had_ to.

 

* * *

 

Fili flew off the log he was sitting on, bowl of breakfast oatmeal going flying all over him, ankles up over his ears and rump pointed skyward until he ended in a heap on the forest floor.

His ears kept ringing for long, long seconds. Fili blinked, trying to find his bearings. He hadn't received a walloping like that since he wasn't even twenty years of age.

Before he managed to even turn the sky the right side up, a cry of pain and a loud thud alerted Fili to the presence of his brother landing in a similar state next to him. Fili managed to untangle a hand from his sprawl of limbs and reach it out to Kili, pressing it to some part of him in a childish attempt at reassurance.

“Kili,” Fili croaked.

“Fili,” was the weak reply.

“If you two _ever_ try to suggest anything so dangerous to Bilbo again, I will do more than knock what little sense you possess from your heads.”

Slowly the brothers gripped at each other and righted themselves, fingers wrapped around wrists and biceps, shoulders and chests pressed tight against each other. Fili blinked the confusion from his eyes just long enough to see his uncle staring down at them, fury written over every inch of his face.

“Uncle-” Fili started.

“Silence, you insolent little boy.”

Fili cringed and clung tighter to Kili. His brother held him just as tightly back. They both kept silent.

Thorin bent down, bringing his terrifying expression closer to their faces. Fili resisted the urge to flinch backwards. Next to him, Kili was starting to tense up, readying for a fight. Fili willed his fiery little brother to just _hold his tongue_ on this.

“You will _not_ suggest any more dangerous activities to Bilbo. You will _not_ suggest that I am dissatisfied in what we do in any way. What goes on between Bilbo and I is none of your concern. And, if you must be so damnably curious, _we were in no need of your idiotic, puerile advice_.”

Fili opted to keep silent.

Kili was an idiot.

“We're not _children_ , Uncle,” he snapped back.

Fili clutched his brother's arms tightly and willed him to just be _silent_.

“We know what is good, and we know that Bilbo couldn't-”

Thorin's nose was practically touching Kili's as he leaned in so close, eyes flashing. “Bilbo is a magnificent consort who was satisfying me most expertly before you two dolts decided to stick your undersized noses into it. He knows of things you couldn't begin to imagine, and which resulted in far less injury than your pathetic ideas of robust lovemaking.”

With that, Thorin stood and turned around, making his way straight to Bilbo. In one motion he scooped the smaller hobbit up onto his shoulder and carried him off to the edge of camp. From what Fili could see, Bilbo's expression was bright and happy, and most decidedly discomfort-free.

Next to Fili, Kili snorted.

“Guess Uncle's as boring as Bilbo, huh? Well, as long as he's happy with whatever mundane acts Bilbo knows of, I suppose we don't have to help him anymore, right?”

Fili frowned, gaze still trained on the last place he saw Thorin and Bilbo until they had disappeared into the trees. “Right,” he replied, hesitant. “Right. No more helping.”

Fili wasn't certain, but he got the feeling that he was missing out on something quite interesting, if Uncle Thorin's reaction to Bilbo's technique was anything to go by.

Did hobbits know something even more exotic than stick their tongues up each other's arses? And what could it _be_?!


End file.
